Patience, Time and Silence.

The three most important values of today's time. I have been trying to engulf these values in my daily routine as much as I can. Ever since the lock-down has begun these value have helped me great deal in going through with, what is We as world is coping up with. The circumstances have not been normal and have surely presented us the opportunity to see the world and surroundings like human relations, nature, family, work, business, our own selves from altogether a different perspective. 

It is been almost 4 months into current situation, these values have helped in deal with lock-down and with the people. The crisis has also revealed another layer of Humans and their relations, just like it has re-engineered the Business, travelling etc. I am still observing the Humans and the relations with them under the abnormal situations and have started to paint a picture about them but certainly not sure how it will as a finished product.

Truth VS Honesty

The two words may sound similar, but they aren't. One would say or might think that telling the truth is being honest OR being honest mean you have to tell the truth, their perception is correct as per their paradigm. To my understanding both are not just words, one is value and another is fact. There are some values that you are born with and few are acquired with passage of time. But in my experience, you are born with them. Since, values could be associated for self or for another, which largely depend how you perceive them. However, truth remains a fact and it is always bitter.

Honesty is reflected when something is done or said for others with purest intentions. It largely covers doing good to and for others. I have often heard people saying: Honestly, I feel like this, Honestly, I think that... It is more about how you think about people and situation from your perspective. Honesty, is an emotion, which may or may not change in due course of time depending on the situation. For example if you honestly make someone happy then you would go any length even lie or fabricate things or cook thinks up that aren't there to make someone happy, smile or laugh.

Truth, it is the fact. Telling the truth is as hard as accepting it. Truth is not dependent on any factor, it will not lead you a happy life, you will not be accepted for telling the truth, you will be spending a lot of time by yourself like me writing this blog or doing any other activity of choice. But, it will definitely lead you a peaceful life, your subconscious would be at peace for saying truth. The cost of saying truth is too much.

You will be accepted for being Honest, not for being Truthful. Choose wisely.

Travelling

This is one of the things I am very fond of doing beside making bad jokes as frequently as possible - depending on the money I have in my pocket. I really do like to travel a lot, and the more I am able to do it, the better I feel. Never felt that travelling is an expense, it always has been an investment to me. Going to places never visited before, seeing different people from the regular ones, eating altogether different cuisines, living and sleeping in places and rising to a different view, is all amazing. Among the natural wonders like mountains, river, desert, snow, and sea. I have seen snow, where I was stuck up to knee, desert and waterfall. The most I like are mountains, and second to that would be sea. I cannot describe the joy of waiting for the day, when I get off from the office and the trip begins. The moment the clock hits 5:30, the trip begins. Ironically, I haven’t stepped out of the office building but subsconsiouslily I am on the trip. That’s the level of excitement I have.

The planning begins a month in advance from choosing the places never visited before, then booking the hotel, looking at travel time on google maps, deciding when to leave all these add up to a big picture of fun that I have in mind. The image of being on the highway, with steering in hand, music playing at a pace, where I could talk to people in the car and enjoy music too. The frequent halts add up to the whole journey experience just like the toppings over pizza, be it for a tea break or someone feeling hungry or having to go to the washroom - the experience is amazing (obviously of not going to the bathroom). 

As the night climbs, the music goes down to the minimum level and all I am left with; is the long highway, and the car. Those are the times when I sometimes talk to myself like to stop the time, how not to make this trip never ending, how to freeze everything, how to make this experience never ending. But, sometimes we don’t have control over things we want to have control over, and time is among one of them.

I have been to trips and have realized that the best part of the trip is a journey, when you are travelling. I obviously look forward to completing the journey and reaching my destination but I enjoy the journey part more than reaching the end point. There are people I have met, who don’t like to travel a lot or if given a chance they would prefer to travel sleeping. To me the longer the distance the more will be the journey part. Seeing nature up close adds up to another level of experience. It feels to stay there forever but we value things more we get less of. So, I think the arrangement suits fine. A quarterly visit to mountains is good enough to revive self.

Someone somewhere has said, travelling should be frequent not long. Travel as much as you can and as frequently as you can. You can work hard to make your money come back to you but with that you can’t buy time. Travelling is not just travelling, it is more than that if you experience it.

Love Marriage and Arrange Marriage.

I am not sure how to start off penning this one down. Let’s try by saying what I think about them. I am in favour of arranged marriage. There are only two questions which come up in mind of my friends when I say this to them as almost all of them are in favour of Love marriage. As a theory, I don’t believe in Love so don’t believe in Love marriage too. According to my friends, the whole concept of arranged marriage is how you can be with anyone for the rest of your lifetime who you don’t love, how you can let anybody touch you who you don’t love. These are primarily the two problem statements or arguments to defend or favour Love marriage. 

When two people are attracted to or love (whatever) each other, they had a feeling that they want to and can spend rest of their lives together, they believe that they know each other well enough to get married, they had sex, they have been on to vacations and have their honeymoon too, they already have said their vows before saying those three magical words. Ideally, everything is said and done there is nothing more left to discover and do in that relationship, hence, the final stage is to get married or marry your love. That is the concept of Love marriage. 

I have seen three examples of my well knowns, where they were in a relationship for more than a couple of years before getting hitched. One was hit by his husband, one was threatened and was treated like a maid/slave and the husband married another woman, one was cheated not with a woman instead by self: telling a lie over a lie, showing and making one believe what is not true. When all three got married, the true colors of their husbands were revealed. How come that happened? When you love a person, how can you slap her?, when you love a person then how can you marry another woman? when you love a person then how can you tell a lie, where is the trust? There never was love and neither was a love marriage. 

One marry a partner of choice, there aren’t much of efforts left to put into marriage because all of the efforts were already invested in wooing the partner, all is left is to live in the marriage. They would still go out as they used to before marriage, they would still go on vacations as they used to, they still would have sex (maybe not as frequent) as they used to, all of the activities would remain same but subconsciously they realize it or not “that” spark is not there.That spark is usually an Oxytocin hormone, which is released when you meet or see a picture of love of your life making you feel closer and drawn. And, when you are married, the one is already there, you don’t have to travel or schedule the evening or make arrangements, there are no efforts. Over the days, slowly and gradually Love escapes from the marriage and by the time one realizes they would be a wife/husband not lovers of each other. They might also come to see the grey side of a person, which they wouldn’t have expected will be there, this brings me to question then how you concluded that you know a person well before getting married? The couples work to bring that spark back into the relationship, but somehow they couldn’t rejuvenate the marriage back into an affair. When the situation prolongs for a long period of time, it's already the time for divorce. Because the ones who are used to that spark of a relationship, will always keep looking for it within the marriage. And when it doesn’t meet their expectation of married life then the blame game starts as who is responsible for the fallout because being righteous is a kind of drug and weak people feel high when they could blame the collapse on others, where they are equally responsible for make and break of it. The common argument among the disagreements is “I was like this even before the marriage, you didn’t object then why now OR if I knew you were like this before the marriage I wouldn’t have married you or you are different now. People think if love marriage doesn't work out they would at least be happy that it was their decision and it didn’t work out. Now, the spark ignites again, and the search for love begins again. This is a loop without a break.

I don’t see a point in this, rather being acceptable that it ended, there should be a question that why it didn’t work out despite having everything in favor of them, if you love a person then why it can’t be worked out? More importantly, what changes after marriage? Love marriage is the result of attraction.

Arranged marriages are inverse of love marriage from every aspect. The families arrange for suitable partners. When the bride and groom nod for each other, they get married. To the people, who think that arranged marriages are to have only sex on the first night, and how come anyone have sex with a stranger on the first night without knowing each other. Let me rephrase this, people are ok to have sex with a stranger, who they saw and read about on an application, they go on a date or drinks and might end up having sex, some are even picked up at parties at the clubs. This is acceptable because it is a choice of the person, it has nothing to do if the other is stranger. To prove themselves right, people would argue “It is their choice”. People could go any length to be right.

To me, arranged marriage is like committing to a stranger, without any common interest, where there is no connect unlike Love marriage, where the connect was the attraction; one felt for another. One has to work very hard to know another, and start to know better by each passing day unlike love marriage, where you have already known a person. Everyday you would find something new about your partner, what are likes, what are dislikes, favorite cuisine, favorite places, common interests and a lot. You have to build that ground where other is comfortable talking and sharing with you. You have to work on gaining the trust of another, you have to work on being interdependent on each other while being independent. Both partners subconsciously work in a way or another to make others comfortable in their company. The most important thing, expectations plays a minimal role because subconsciously both work toward knowing each other better not to fulfill any expectation, because expectations aren’t set yet. Unlike Love marriage, where expectations were right there from the beginning of a relationship. The fights would occur here too, no relation in this world would escape from fights, and they might turn ugly but those would be because of some external factors like family, or financial situation etc. It would never be because of each other, because they still haven’t known each other well to put the blame on.

In arranged marriage, you are on a lifelong expedition with someone unknown, and the charm of that mystery will keep the journey alive.

Never take things personally.

There was an incidence I read either in a book or over the internet and it really gave me some serious thoughts. There was a man, who reached out to Buddha and started swearing to him. On the other hand, Buddha didn’t say a word and listened to all of it quietly. When the man finished bad-mouthing, Buddha asked that man if you were to present me a very expensive gift and I refuse to accept it then to whom the gift will belong. The man answered to me. Buddha said, the same is the case now, whatever you have said, I didn’t accept it so it's back at you.

Most of the time we all do take things personally and what we do take personally are the negative thoughts or action about us. When someone is angry at you and says something bad, you take it personally, when someone blames you - you take it personally, when someone presses you hard so they could be right - you take it personally, when someone calls at you with no fault of yours - you take it personally. I could go on and on, the list endless. But, the underlying concern is why do we take it personally? It is probably because our EGO is hurt and we take the action of others personally and react to situations rather than to respond to it. For instance, have you ever noticed that a slight road rash can lead up to a life taking fight between strangers. It is probably because one had sweared the another and he lost his cool. On the other hand if that would not have been taken personally then all of it would have been resolved then and there without a fight. 

Taking things personally would make you more fragile because it would be easy to hit your ego. And, once the Ego is hit the person could go to any length to prove oneself right, to satisfy the ego. What I have understood from the people of the earth over past years is that if something bad is happening or someone has done anything wrong to you or something is not going by the way you have planned it, you don’t have to take it personally. If people mistreat you, step back so that there is a gap and they can’t reach you but never take it personally. If someone is backbiting about you, don’t take it personally, just be cool about it and chop up the communication - only to required levels.

I know it is bookish and really hard not to think about things that have a direct impact as if they hit the gut and you are on the ground. It requires a lot and a lot of practice not to take things personally and to respond rather than to react. Always remember, if something has hit you personally then it didn't hit you, it hit your EGO, and it is a negative value and you don't react to a negative value. For instance, would you take it personally if I blame you for why you are not an orange and I expect you to be one? You won’t take it personally instead would chuckle on it. But, I were to blame you are lazy, stupid, the disaster happened because of you, this didn't worked out because of you, the losses are because of you etc. you might take it personally thinking how come he/she said that to me, how am I responsible for that, how am I to blame for the fall. The only difference in being orange and stupid is your own perception toward each. We only take negative values to hit our EGO not the positive ones. It is not always easy to think good all the time when life is twirling repeatedly. Just walk away from the situation with a smile. Give yourself a breather to recover. The key to finding a response to a reactable situation is to give it time, you will definitely see the good surfacing out of it. It is just you, who has to keep repeating to see good in everything that is happening around, for you and by you. Keep on repeating every single time it happens to you. Your EGO will be so under layered and you will be healed beyond measure. 

Attention: The new drug.

Have you ever noticed what people give a high beyond measure, no it is not LSD, not heroine, not ecstasy. The drug is called Attention, it reminds me of a monologue from Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham - “Yeh kaun hai jisne mudh k poo ko nahi dekha” (ha ha ha). Attention is not sold and manufactured in the market, it is produced by us only. It is the most powerful feeling, imagine yourself being in a boardroom meeting with fairly 15-20 members, who are listening to you. Doesn’t it sound like being powerful to get the attention of all? Sure, it is (only if you are normal). 

However, there is another powerful thing, it is paying attention. This works entirely opposite to getting the attention. If you look and understand closely, getting the attention works in favour of one, who is craving for it. On the contrary, paying attention, works for a team, it helps you collaborate and be a part of something bigger than yourself. Paying attention helps focus you to focus, to see the bigger picture. It enables you to concentrate, and when you pay attention to something you come up with out of the box ideas, you come out with something creative, it could be a solution to a longing problem, it could be a new idea for a human kind, which would make lives more simple. 

With the recent technological developments in every field, the human need to get attention has also risen, though these advances have made life better but have also made us prone to this drug. This has led to a reduced ability of being creative or it is almost to an end by the need of getting attention. The need to get attention is because of two reasons, one for money and second it makes you feel worthy - kind of gives you a high. In first stances, tech giants like Instagram are buying and selling your attention to advertisers, making a lot of money. For instance, we all want to be a part of daily lives of our favourite celebs, their accounts aren’t private and have millions of followers. Whenever there is a post, followers hit like but like a machine. The account holder has created a source to get attention and the company using algorithms double up the view on the post, ever noticed there is an option “based on pages you have visited”. Attracting other users to follow other celeb, the more traffic on the post the more attention one would get, the more attention Instagram would be able to sell to advertisers and the more revenue the user would generate. Let’s take non-celeb cases, people are posting the content, which is hardly an any content, I mean if you are helping a needy then what is the need to post that online - for attention, if you are dressed up then what is the need to post it online, if you have a good physique, why you need to show if off online, all is because to get the attention and money. The second type of attention is personal, it doesn't go online. These are those people, who are subconsciously engineered in such a way that they don’t want to go unnoticed. They want you to notice them, which gives them a kind of high. They feel important, valued, validated and think they are worth something. And, any amount of diverted attention, would make them feel zero, absolutely nothing. 

Paying attention, not only increases your ability to come up with something new, but to understand the other human being well. Whether, a person belong to a group of people, who would be interested in getting the attention or from one who would pay attention. The person, who would pay attention would notice even miniscule details you share, it is not the case with one, who wants to get the attention. They think they are the whole picture, whereas the other ones would link they are part of the whole picture. People who want the attention are in continuous demand for it and even getting enough they won’t be able to pay any. On the contrary, the ones who pay attention share something very unique to them.

Survive like an Eagle.

I have started to think about life like a Cardiac Monitor. When the line is moving up and down, it doesn’t matter how high it goes and how low it dips, it gives an assurance that you are alive. You are doing something that gives you a feeling of being alive. Perhaps, being alive comes with many predictable and unforeseen stages where life would smash your face on the floor in a blink. You would think, what the hell just happened, you would feel you have lost everything, money, job, family, friends, relationships even hope. You are all lonely in this world, self-pity would become your favourite time pass and would eventually get random ideas how to end the suffering. You don’t want to end your life instead want to end the suffering but you think ending life would end the suffering too. But, for what, just because something in life happened differently from your draft. If you think ending life is an option to solve the problem, then the fact is; it may sound like a solution but it never is. You let the circumstances win over you, forgetting that circumstances don’t last forever but your struggle does, which would add another feather to your legacy. There were certain stages in my life too, which weren’t planned. Painful in sort of  unimaginable ways, which can’t be defined. And, that’s how life functions, I mean life also has a right to have fun in it’s own way. So, when I ever hit a rock bottom, I tell myself that I have to survive like an Eagle. Here is the story.

Eagles usually live upto 30 years. At this age, they can’t fly because of the weight of feathers their body has, their beak is bent and isn’t strong enough to tear apart their prey, their talons are weak to catch a prey. Without beak and talons, they can’t survive. They know if they have to survive for about the same years then they have to go through a hardship of 150 days without food. Who likes to die? - No one. Now, all it matters is to survive. Eagle sits on top of the mountain, hitting its tapon and beak against the mountain continuously until it plucks out, imagine how would you feel if I pluck a fingernail out from one of your fingers, it would be painful as hell. Eagles do it for both of its legs and the beak, imagine how painful it is but the animal has the picture in mind that this pain is worth the survival and would be rewarded with the next 30 years of life. Once, the beaks and talons grow back, eagles pull out every feather from the body with a new beak and talon. Think, if I start pulling every hair on your body, how would you feel? There would be times when you want to give up and think dying would be easy then this pain. But, the eagle thinks, this needs to be done to survive, there is no other option. So, it keeps going one by one, day by day for 150 days. When the term ends, it has a new beak, new talons and new feathers, now it can take flight of survival and live upto next 30 years. 

No matter how bad the circumstances are, even if I am buried beneath the ground. I always tell an eagle story to myself and just say “I have to survive and I will, no matter at what cost, I will figure out a way, I look right in the eyes of circumstances and say - “I am going to make it”. In the process, I harvest courage, confidence, trust on self and almighty and a never to forget the lesson I learned. In my experience of human interaction, I have observed that we - humans always try to look for an easy way out from a hard situation, the term is escaping by getting external support. Instead of trying to solve the situation, to get through the tunnel, we escape it by giving our attention to something else and make the distraction so important part of our daily lives that we think that we have overcome the underlying situation. So, whenever the situation strikes back, we don’t know what to do on our own and we do the same - escape with help of others. If we would have worked on then we would know how to survive, we would become a better version of ourselves.